its all coming back to meeee noww.. you kno the celine version

hi there.
i've been a little out of touch
with everyone. including myself.
trying to figure me out.
trying to keep on
keeping on.
even though i don't know what i'm doing.
at all.
but it seems to be
that all you have to do
is keep on moving
and things fall in to place.
one day you can be something.
the next day, quite another thing.
and you just go ahead
and examine...
your head.
your hands.
your heart.
until you recognize the constant things.
even as the world is changing,
even as you move faster and faster
so fast that you don't see your own feet...
you realize that there are certain things that will always be.
certain consistencies.
in bits and pieces.
the natural
comfortable
and uncomfortable things
that make me..... me.

so, that's just what i've been doing lately....

just noticing.

i need more than funkyyyy stuff.

they'll never take the good years

passion only takes you so far. and then, the more you love something... the more your world depends on that thing. it becomes your everything. and so.... failures are magnified.. and they become so big that they take you over. and successes aren';t even recognized anymore because so much is expected. and at some point, you just cant keep up anymore. so then you go to bed with a tylenol pm.

rambling. i gotta stop that sometimes. 

hey i have a follower.. 

thats promising. 

and i know love when i feel it.

well thats promising..

so blah blah blah


there comes a time
u kno
when you ahve to choose
and sometimes what you thinks right

(usually isnt)

but still you choose to go that path
and theres really no turning back

so whats lefft
you wonder?

is what you've done enough
or jsut enough to get by.

and you start to second guess
yourself
kind of..

maybe you should have held that hand
a little longer..
or
not have eaten that last cookie from the cookie jar.

but indeed you did
and theres really nothing you can do about it

so you jsut sit
and wait
watch
hope
imagine
but wait mostly..

and you start to realize
this is it..
and you get a little happier

jsut knowing
u know.


ok that all.

even now.

...

i love dance.. and oreos

its cool to admire someone from afar
its easy and its neat kind of..
but whats even cooler,
is getting to know someone
like really getting to know them..
maybe more than you really wanted to..
and hating so many things
like maybe...
their hair
or beliefs
or their know-it-alledness
but then still
even still..
you want to talk to them
you want to be around them
you want to stay with them
and dance or walk with themm..
so you can hate them even more
like, you want to hate them good
so maybe
just maybe
you won't like them anymore
but then you realize
that what attracted you in the first place

UNO
the simple game of UNO
is a pretty strong thing
and its gonna take a minute
to break that down
to overpower that monster


so.



you just waitand you wonder...
what the hell am i thinking here
and you eat an oreo.

im taking french.. but this has nothing to do with that.

everyone gets caught up in fairytale.

in things that they hope will be.

in the mystery.

in newness. and surface. and

not knowing at all.

the first phase is the best i think that's what they say.

but i am not a fraction of me

not a fraction of anything

and i feel that maybe i am frowned upon

for opening up so entirely

that other kids on the playground want me to keep my secrets so that they wont have to tell theirs.

and i don't ever want to be something on a shelf or television screen

something that cant be taken down and pocketed

something that cant be worn when you are getting muddy

i don't need allure

not even sure what exactly it means.

but i like that word. so i think ill use it.

but i don't want to be out of touch.

please, don't expect me to be.

it is easy to admire one thing about someone.. like say.... a dance that you see.

it is harder to know all the curves of someone.. and still

and even still,

you love them.

in their nakedness

accepting that brilliance only comes infrequently.

right

so.......

maybe like....

if you’re gona give you have to give even if you get nothing in return its just the way you do things for others because you want to not because you expect them to do something for you in return right? Ok. Remember that ashli

night

and so we talked..

or should i say that i just listened..

sitting still
and getting wiser
through someone else's heartache.

like looking in a mirror on the wall
trimmed in silver. edged. and etched.
hung crooked
but a solid structure nonetheless.
like you.
just like you.
imperfectly executed
but full of substance.

and people walk by and try to fix you
try to hang you straight
and you don't feel comfortable
when you're upright
anymore

even though you know you should be.
so people would take pride in you
clean you til you shine
and appreciate your reflection
all shiny
catching the light

but instead.
both of us sit.
facing each other.
dull with wear.

and we know what we should do.
you and i should run far away from me and you.
from what we have slid to become
even though the mud feels so much better
than solid ground.

the mess of us.
of me.
of you.
of her.
of him.
of our minds being allowed to imagine
everything and anything
as we dance
to a million songs
not written for us or about us
or for us to sing along to.

not our songs at all

and now.
as you talk.
i stop seeing the reflection
and i start seeing right through
to deep places
and to future destinations
and i want to tie a rope around you
and pull you out

tell you
that boundaries are there for a reason

but i just whisper that i love you
as you walk out the door
and you look back
with a look that tells me
you already know
even though
and even still
you know that you can't wait to get outside
and slide right back in to it.
and put off the end.
for one more day.




even still.

hello world..

to love you without return somehow seemed okay with me because i know the other side....
of loving nothing.
of feeling afloat instead of aswim.
and i will hold my breath for hours.i
will find a million ways to survive.
and you promise me nothing.
you discourage me.
but still.
how could i not love something so beautiful.
so perfectly clear.
so crafted.
and weighty.
and full.
you know that i search for these things.
the most hidden and rare things of life.
and then i found you.
covered in dust.
and i cannot let you go now.
for nothing else compares.
though i wouldn't know.
my eyes don't even look anymore.
and i am content here.others look at my hands as empty.
as would anyone. even you.
but i dont complain.
i am too lost in wonder.
or.
just satisfied.
and so. i smile.
just all the time.
mostly.
all because I am so full of you.
just thoughts of you.
just lost in details.
but not lost at all.
and so this is love.
in a way that is the truest thing i have known.
no born dependency.
no binding promise.
no spoken word.
just the feeling of you in my mind and you filling up my lungs.

thats all for today.. short and sweet.

so im at dancing..

well...

this wanting comes in waves

like everything else that is great

like hunger

and sleep

and the rush of water

and i'm like a boundless ocean

i am in motion

peaking and drowning (people)

with heaviness 

and flight

I am Blue

I am White

iamBLACKinthemiddleofthenight

and then the phone rings and i hear

"tell me if i should give up, tell me now if i should"

and it reminds me...

with all of this wonderfulness, where in the world can i find my place...

in this bed i am trying to make. 

with only the best of wood

carving EVERY notch

each post different than the next

each feather more special

than the one before

and i wonder if there is room

in this bed

for me to ever lay down..

and relax

and maybe, cover up.

keep warm. 

and wait for morning. 

on last night...

im not sure if this against the rules or anything.
two posts in one night..
is it allowed?
considering im new to this whole blogging busines..
but i just have a few more things to say..
if you dont mind..

ok soooo...

there has got to be something more to this
than the things that you are saying
and i cant shake the feeling
that you are afraid of me
but not of me. exactly.
but maybe of the thought of you
not being untouchable
of all the defenses you have always assumed in place,
of all those falling away.
because then what.
you would just be a regular person.
you wouldn't recognize yourself.
then, what excuse would you have for you anymore?
but i guess that i will believe you.
but only 500 more times.
that's my limit.
i will believe you when you say
that there are things you just don't need.
not even from me.
or just, especially not from me.
even though your laugh
says that isn't true.
but something was key last night
in one word that you said
to me specifically
and i wonder...
if i would trade the sound of your voice
to hold your hand
and i wonder what it would be like
to fall asleep underneath you
knowing that you will cast me far away
as soon as the next day
i imagine that i would sneak out
and just try to delay what i know as the cycle of you...

one step forward. three steps back.

and sometimes i think that i am jealous of her. because she gets to stay up late with you. maybe her head on your shoulder or something. maybe looking at far away lights. but then i think that maybe somehow there is something big i am missing here.


something like,
maybe i am just flattering.
just something someone like you needs
to make their life seem more important.
and maybe you are just another goal for me.
just something someone like me needs
to make my life seem like it is headed in some type of direction.


so anyways.


i think it doesn't matter.
not today.
or anytime, i guess.
soon you will be holding a real person in your hands as i am just thinking about this ghost.
i guess. kind of haunting me.


but i just thought of an amazing song..... goes "she lies and says she's in love with him, she dreams in color, she dreams in red, cant find a better man."


i've never danced to that song before.. :)

the observer

so I have left my mark in the only way I knew how,
by dancing the simplest and truest dance I know.
the one that was born with me as I took my first breath into this world.
the world that is round and everchanging.
made up of mountains, valleys, rivers.
of oceans.
like you.
and like me.
and I have given all I have to you who had nothing but your simple moves too.
so now somehow the lines between you and I merge.
and we are connected over mountains.
through valleys.
across rivers and oceans.
simply connected in the most natural but beautiful way.
and nothing could be more true.......
except for the truth that I don't want to leave you.
clearly.